Wednesday, August 20, 2008


My Tonstant Weaders know the back story.

For several years now, a rash of idiots have felt perfectly entitled to park in my private parking space when all the "fun" events take place in The Hamlet and public parking is non-existent. Irrelevantly-- apparently-- this parking area in which I park my car is infested with signs reading "Private Parking", "No Parking", "Tow Zone", "No Parking Tow Zone", and finally, "Private Parking Tow Zone No Parking".

The entitled rash of idiots don't care what the signs say. They simply want a convenient parking space for their car so they don't have to walk to additional 100 feet to the fucking music festival, clay festival, restaurant, farmers' market, bar, concert, beer festival, marathon finish line, art festival, holistic festival, or whatever stupid noisy event is going on down the street that's supposed to make The Hamlet's tax base stronger-- oh sure!-- our tax base is stronger but somehow, even though I work for The Hamlet for pennies an hour and have no health care with The Hamlet because I can't afford it, these outliers come here and park in my spot... but I digress!

I used to get even with those interlopers who stupidly parked in my spot:

I would smear thick, smelly cat laxative on the interloper's windshield wipers, door handles and locks, but that got a little dangerous as people who parked in my spot would almost catch me redhanded, hunched over their stupid car, smearing pet laxative on their door handles. I tried towing the offending asshole parkers' cars, but one night the towtruck driver was slipped some money by the outliers, he backed their car off of the tow truck, bade them goodnight. The outliers and I had a verbal altercation wherein they called me a "bitch", and I retorted, "Oh, please. Can't you come up with something better than that? I mean really." They drove off laughing at me, presumably to another private parking space.

So today I came home and someone was parked in my spot. Again.

So I got to use my new tool! It's a cool little gadget thingy that, when placed on the tire's air valve and pressed, allows air to escape from the tire, flattening it. I did this to the outlier's front left tire.

Two hours later, upstairs waiting for Mellie to come and share dinner with me, I looked out my window to see if the outlier had returned to the car. The outlier had not. My car, blocks away, waited for me to put it in its proper place. I fumed. I paced. I mumbled. I bit my thumbnail.

"This is not good enough," I thought to myself, pissed beyond all recognition.

Mellie arrived and I told her to be my lookout. "What are you going to do?" she asked nervously as I grabbed my butcher knife. "Never mind," I said, "Just tell me when someone's coming."

We went down to the outlier's car. Mellie posted herself at the front of the entrance, and I slashed the outlier's driver side and left rear passenger tire.

"Oh my," said Mellie. "Couldn't you have called the tow company?"

"I did. They want the owner of the parking lot to be here to okay the tow. I don't own this parking lot, but I sure as shit pay for the space. That doesn't matter to the tow guy. They aren't going to do anything, so I am."

I turned to Mellie as we walked up The Hovel's stairs. "You know, Mellie," I said quietly, "I'm sick of people fucking with me."


The Scarlet Pervygirl said...

It is a scary and intoxicating new world you enter. I'm always amazed by the way putatively ordinary life events seem creepy, hilarious, and moving when you write about them. It's pretty riveting. Please, I beg you, keep us apprised.

Rather than calling the tow company, you made Assclown McParkypants call them himself. That is pretty damned smooth.

Melanie Wilkes said...

And boy DID SHE! I can vouch for this one. She truly did slash their tires that night while I played decoy in the alley. And later, as we giggled over wine and periodically peeked out the upstairs windows waiting for the Parking Punk and his drunk little friends to return to their flattened vehicle, I thought to myself, "Wow. What a clever, brave bitch she is! Bravo, bitch. Bravo!"

Side Note to readers: Don't fuck with T-Bone when she's got a knife in her hand. Or any other time for that matter.

True Story.