Thursday, June 25, 2009

Mark Sanford and "That Sparking Thing".

It'd be so exciting to hear a philandering politician tell the truth about what really happened when he cheated on his wife.

Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina said all the predictable things at his press conference yesterday, but had he told the truth, it would have been more like this:

"I cheated on my wife because I was bored out of my mind. I'd reached the pinnacle of my political career and felt I was bullet-proof. I felt I could do anything I wanted.

"I'd planned on cheating on my wife for a long, long time. That's why I fed my staff little clues-- for weeks!-- about my love of the great outdoors, that I needed time alone, that I wanted to go hike the Appalachian Trail. See, I planted those seeds in their heads so when I did disappear for a week and no one knew where I was, they'd guess I was off hiking the Trail. Hell, they didn't know where I was!

"See, it's my staff's job to cover my ass. They hate to look like a bunch of idiots, so they told the press I was on a self-reflective mini-break, enjoying the trees and birds, feeding my soul with nature, hiking the Trail.

"Plus I figured that in feeding my staff those clues, it would give me enough time to schedule a flight to Argentina and get a discount on my flight for booking in advance. Have you looked at plane ticket prices lately? It's expensive!

"So me and Maria had an awesome time drinking, dancing, having sex, sleeping in. I didn't want to leave! But I did have to go back and sign papers and things. I thought I'd really pulled off this trip, like I had before.

"But I flew into Atlanta and I was really bummed that the press was at the airport when I returned. Shit!

"So there it is. That's the only reason why I called this press conference. If the press hadn't been at the airport, I would have totally gotten away with it! But they were there, so I had to spill this to you. Bummer.

"So here I am talking to you. Now that my trip has been uncovered by the national press, I'll go ahead and say all those tired old things I'll need to say to the American people and the citizens of South Carolina to try and save my political career.

"I was wrong to cheat on my wife; this lady in Argentina was a dear friend; we've been emailing casually for eight years; a "spark" between she and I happened just a year ago; we became lovers only after "that sparking thing" happened.

"I'll also tell you I'm really sorry I let you down, I'm sorry I've hurt my family. Yadda, yadda, yadda. You guys have heard this all before. I'm actually surprised you're covering this, because frankly, this isn't anything new!

"Lemme tell you something though-- I couldn't resist this woman. People, she was hot. I was thinking with my dick and it was awesome! I haven't felt so horny since I was a teenager! Yeah, my dick didn't care if I was found out. He totally overrides any rational thought. Dude, my dick just pointed the way to South America and off I went!

"I'm really embarrassed and kind of pissed that you all found out about my trip to Argentina, though. Trust me-- I wouldn't be having this press conference if you guys hadn't seen me at the airport.

"Now I gotta go home and try to repair my life here. It's gonna be hard, because my wife made a deal with the devil when she married me, and now this has all happened, she's definitely got the upper hand. I hope my totally fake humility will convince her that she should take me back, 'cause if I blow it and can't convince her to continue with the First Lady act, she could screw me five ways 'til Sunday.

"I'm kind of nervous about it all, but I'm pretty sure if I say and do the right things, I'll be able to make a big comeback and convince everyone I'm a stand-up guy.

"Then all of this will be just a blip on my career's radar screen."