Wednesday, September 05, 2007

I Never Knew This. I'm Forever Changed.

I sit here behind my desk stunned. The foundation of my life has been cracked. I will never again view humankind in the same light.

Prepare yourselves, readers.

According to a new study from Germany, when choosing a partner, men tend to overlook the subtle qualities in a woman and instead simply go for THE HOT WOMAN.

Because the Redhead and I are looking for ways to fund our Jane Austen pilgrimage to England, we have made a list of possible areas of study to submit to the nearest think-tank. Once we have our "study grant" ("airfare"), we will conduct in-depth, fact-finding missions to reveal truths about why:

- The lane you are in goes slower than the other ones

- The line you are in has one person finishing their shift, and a new one with a new tray of money

- They have boots in every size except yours

- If you don't water your plants, they die
- The store you go to had a big sale last week
- If you work out, you get smaller
- Teenagers treat their parents like shit
- Having your period hurts
- You will have a pus-filled zit at the corner of your mouth the morning of your wedding
- If you drink too much, you'll get a hangover
- If you eat McDonald's every day, you'll get fat
- If you watch too much TV, you won't get a lot of stuff done around the house
- They airbrush models in magazines, and
- Cats will vomit on your carpet, rugs, or bed before they'll vomit on the hardwood or linoleum floor.

I know, readers-- I know. It'll be difficult to view the world in the same way ever again.

1 comment:

The Scarlet Pervygirl said...

I'd be happy to give you an orientation on your first day of work here at the Institute for the Observation and Statement of the Glaringly Obvious. Let me know if I can help you find the vending machines.