My unemployment payments are done.
By now the fear should be pressed into a dense, hard rock of matter sitting in the middle of my chest where my heart normally would be, but something very strange has happened-- I feel very calm.
Inexplicably, and I think as a result of non-stop worrying for these past nine months, the worry has changed to pragmatism. In being pragmatic, I've realized that I have done absolutely everything I could do to find a job in "my field". I feel completely blameless in all that's transpired, nor do I feel the necessity to point my finger at anyone. Inside, I am clean and without rancor.
Pride is one of the seven deadlies for very good reason. Pride stops you from doing necessary things that may otherwise stand in the way of living life properly. I have been stripped of my pride and simply need to work. "Work" no longer means the necessity of wearing professional clothing, getting a big paycheck or a Christmas bonus, or any of the other things I used to equate with a good job. Getting those particular things doesn't mean you have a good job; it means you work at a place where they can offer you those things-- nothing more. "Work" means a good, honest effort to complete a task well and be paid for it. "Work" doesn't necessarily have to be 9 to 5, Monday through Friday anymore. If you happen to like what you do for a living, that should be the bonus.
I don't know what's going to happen to me in the next couple of months, but there's nothing I can do except take care of myself, and all that implies.