Friday, November 17, 2006

How To Stop Taking Love For Granted

The above is the title of an article that I read on "MSN Relationship News" (like there's a bustling city editorial desk somewhere, with hard-bitten, chain-smoking reporters writing this shit), which outlines, for the benefit of selfish morons, how to stop taking love for granted and treat your boyfriend/girlfriend with a bit of care and respect.

It gave such illuminating advice as saying "thank you" and "please" to the loved one for doing things like taking out the trash; to exchange one's current sleepwear of sweats and stained t-shirts for the more palatable silky negligees or crotchless panties, so those smoldering embers can spark; to set aside one night per week as a "date night" so one can play footsie with one's "date" under the table, instead of breaking up dinnertable fights between the kids-- and other little tidbits of wisdom.

Wow. Thanks to those writers at MSN for this information. My response is: NO FUCKING KIDDING-- REALLY?!?

For those who had no idea they were taking love for granted, this single, hard-bitten, chain-smoking writer at Sixty-Four Twelve has her own city desk, and she has some relationship advice for you. Here it is:


There are so many benefits of not having a significant other, especially one that treats you well! Here are a few of those perks:

Being me, you will get to take out your own trash! It's fun hauling a bunch of stinky refuse out to the dumpster which stands inconveniently in the middle of a muddy lake.

If you are me, you can also do all of your own housecleaning. It's a giddy feeling, looking around at mounds of cat fur and dust, knowing that it's all up to you to make things shiny and spotless once again.

Cooking-- a wonderful proposition cooking for just yourself, knowing that your nightly dinner companions will be Larry King and the cats.

While being me, you can enjoy the benefits "date night". For example, there'll never be the question of "which car shall we take" because there's just one option-- my car. If you choose to eat out on date night, you can order whatever you want without someone asking for a taste of your meal, because it's ALL YOURS. Another nice thing-- you get to eat in complete silence, without talking to anyone! If you're at the movies, you can revel in the freedom of seating yourself as far foward or as far back as you like, without discussions of any kind. Afterward, you can walk yourself back to the car and drive home alone. It's truly lots of fun. Really.

Bedtime. Ahhh, the joys of sleeping alone. No pesky snorers, no blanket hogs. Just the wide expanse of cold sheets on either side of you. Refreshing! Particularly in the summertime when it's really hot outside!

Being me, you'll never have to worry about having sex with anyone. No wet spots, no heavy breathing, no moans of delight. Instead, you'll have unopened, aging boxes of condoms and full bottles of Astroglide to fill your medicine cabinet. An added bonus-- no shaving necessary! Hurrah for celibacy!

When you have a problem, you get to solve it (yes!) all by yourself. It's liberating not having a sounding board or a person off which to bounce your concerns. You can trust yourself, fully and completely, to make your own decisions. The biggest bonus of all: when you've made a disastrous decision, you have no one to blame but yourself.

So, if you'd like to be me and stop taking love for granted, if you're tired of your significant other doing nice things for you, if he's/she's become a piece of furniture that you no longer notice, just shoot me an email. I'll be happy to exchange your life with mine!

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