BANKRUPT!!! The Musical

Both my mind and my time have been thoroughly occupied these last four weeks with my impending bankruptcy.

I'm representing myself in this bankruptcy, called pro se in legal parlance. In my former life as a legal assistant, I remember the extreme annoyance I'd feel getting a document back from the attorney with yet another revision-- the 50th in a series of revisions to that same bit of information. Now I understand why the same snippet was revised over and over and over again-- because the client (in this case, me) keeps changing their (my) damn mind and keeps supplying the attorney (me) with new, previously forgotten information (because I'm a ditz).

***Curtain up***

(Open scene in filthy apartment. Large clots of cat hair drift across floor. Moldy dishes in sink. Chain-smoking, tense client (T-Bone) hunched over broken computer, attempting to finalize bankruptcy papers. She wears her thick-lensed glasses, black yoga pants covered in cat fur, and an ill-fitting cami which fails to cover her white, fat stomach)

***Overture (T-Bone sings)***

"Someday I'll be free
of hateful papers haunting me;
Happy days are soon to come
If these revisions soon are done!"

(Stage right door flings open and Attorney T-Bone, played by Kristin Chenowith, rushes in with large stack of papers in arms. She sings)

"T-Bone, you shall not be free

Until the revisions are done-- you see?
Once again you gave me a list

That fails to give me the full gist!"

(Client T-Bone slumps in chair. Lights another cig. Faces Attorney T-Bone and sings)

"Ah yes I forgot that house I cleaned
and the transcript that I typed
Income I felt did not deem
a mention on my taxes-- Oh cripes!
What shall I do? What shall I do?

I'm tired of schedules and disclosures

Of exemptions and drafts and laws and rules

When will this crap be over?"

(Cherubs float down from the ceiling as Attorney T-Bone sings)

"T-Bone, do not fear

Your work is almost finished here.

Just one more draft for these tired eyes

and from your desk you may rise."

(Attorney T-Bone and Client T-Bone link arms, smile at one another, and are lifted above the stage slowly, while music swells)

... and... scene.