Monday, October 16, 2006


I have never been married, although I’ve been proposed to twice. The first time was many years ago when my then boyfriend asked me to marry him. It didn’t work out, and he wound up marrying a nice Southern girl. The second time was this Algerian guy I knew who needed a green card. He came by my house with his Swedish girlfriend in tow, and asked me if I would marry him so he could stay in the United States. I’m guessing his girlfriend spoke some English, but if she didn’t, she understood my answer-- “NO”-- by the universal language of the door slamming in their faces.

Perennially single, I find the idea of marriage exotic and foreign. I have thought a lot about engagements, marriage, and commitment to one person. I stare at married couples and I am mystified. If I stare long enough, perhaps I’ll crack the code and get it. "What is it like to have someone around all the time?" I ask myself. "Are they as happy as they look? How cool to have a built-in sex partner right there! Do they have a joint checking account? How do they know when the other person has written a check? What happens if one hates what the other cooked for dinner? Do they have to cook an extra meal? Do they talk on the phone to one another during the day and if so, what about? Do they have extra T.V.’s in their house in case one person doesn't want to watch what the other one does? Are they allowed to have friends of the opposite sex? Do they sleep in the same bed when they’re pissed at each other?" These questions reveal that clearly, I'm without a clue as to how couples work.

In the last two months, three of my girlfriends have informed me that they have been proposed to, are getting married, and they want me to plan their weddings and receptions. Me-- the person who sleeps with her cats. The person who eats food out of the pan in which it was cooked. The woman who would spend her last twenty bucks on cute shoes or tabloid magazines rather than food. The girl who gets drunk and writes weird emails to her friends.

I'm single, ignorant of marriage/engagement/dating-type stuff, but by God, I'll be planning their first day together as man and wife, right down to the very last detail.


Jennifer Ford said...

Hey Lady, what a most fabulous idea!! This is a great way to unleash the creative beast that's in you! And now I will be able to check up on you and see what you've been up to - in a way. Love you and take care ~ JLF in PHX

Anonymous said...

You know what I wonder about in marriages? Farting.

Everybody does it, but I think I might die of embarrassment if I did it in front of another person. (One time in third grade I accidentally farted audibly, and not only nearly died of embarrassment but was eviscerated by my peers as a subhuman, subfemale barn animal, a lesson I'd rather gut myself than repeat.) But if you've got somebody around all the time--what do you do?

And what if you fart in your sleep? My roommate in college did--in a rather loud and terrifying way--and now I'm really nervous sleeping around other people, because what if everybody does that? What if *I* do that?

This is J., by the way. I've actually GOT a goddamned Blogger account, and at least one blog running around here somewhere, but damned if I can remember ANY user name Blogspot will recognize. Snarl.

Oh, and by the way, this blog rocks, and you're an excellent writer. I look forward to more!